If you are struggling after having had an abortion and need someone to talk with, please phone Birthright at 1-800-550-4900.
Silent No More Awareness is a group of volunteers reaching out to those hurt by abortion, educating about abortion, and sharing their stories.
You can learn more about them at
I had an abortion in 1995 and I experienced the deep shame, guilt, anger, and depression that came with it. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. My mom was severely depressed and was addicted to prescription pills. My father was a workaholic and never spent much time with my siblings or me. At an early age I had to take care of my siblings and worried constantly about my home life and what was going to happen on a day-to-day basis. I remember as a child having anger towards God as to why I had the life I had. I had a grandmother who was always there for me, and it was a place I would go quite often. My grandfather was a war veteran and even though he was angry a lot of the time, it was still a safer environment than my home.
I started to get in with the wrong crowd when I was a young teen, and started to use alcohol, which than led to drugs. I wouldn’t come home much anymore, and no one seemed to notice. I dropped out of school in grade 9 and found a family amongst other friends who were experiencing similar problems in their lives. My parents had separated which I later found out because my mom had moved out without telling me and took my younger brother with her. My father and my other brother stayed together and later moved into an apartment. My grandmother had died shortly after this and that was very hard for me to take. It was like losing my mother. I began to drink more heavily and do more drugs as a result to deal with my hurts. I stayed with my mom off and on because I felt she needed someone to be there for her after losing her mother. I never saw my brother and dad for years and for some reason his absence seemed normal to me. I kept drinking and partying and started to get in trouble with the law, and ended up in jail as a minor. When I got out of juvenile jail I continued the same old habits.
My mom met another man and decided to marry him. He started to physically abuse her and my younger brother. I would run away from home and then feel guilty for leaving my brother behind. I drank to numb the pain, and then at the age of 19 I became pregnant. My mother told me to have an abortion, so I set up an appointment myself with the doctor to have an abortion. I was so addicted to alcohol and drugs I thought this was the right decision. A friend drove me there and I was left alone in the hospital to have an abortion. After the abortion, all I remember was waking up and feeling extremely weak and was white as a ghost. I was given a snack and drink and left the hospital. My friend picked me up and I was in extreme pain and cramping the whole way home.
After the abortion my life went from bad to worse. I did more drinking and harder drugs to mask my guilt and shame. I was hurting beyond belief. I kept getting in trouble with the law, and I pretended the abortion was a good idea for me.
I got pregnant again a year after my abortion, which I later realized was an atonement pregnancy. I wanted to replace the baby I lost. I told my mom I was pregnant and she said I couldn’t keep this baby and I should have another abortion. I said, “No, I am keeping my baby”. I could not go through this hurt again. I quit drinking and doing drugs cold turkey, and was eager to have my baby. When I was 4 months pregnant, my mom died of an overdose. I thought my life was never ending pain. I had a baby boy who I believe is the angel who saved me. I married the father of my son and ended up having my marriage annulled 2 years later. My husband didn’t want to quit drinking and doing drugs, and I wanted to grow up and have a family. I had always been the desire of my heart to have a family. I needed something he couldn’t give me, a life without addiction.
Shortly after that I was led back to the Lord and had a deep healing at a youth retreat I attended. God had spoken to me and said “I am your father, and I love you”. During adoration God had pulled something out of my heart, and I felt love and joy beyond belief. My shirt was soaked from the tears I cried during that adoration. I was on fire after that and kept seeking the Lord, but yet I kept feeling the guilt and shame of my abortion haunting my mind. I would cry out for forgiveness. I felt I had committed the most unforgivable sin. I went to reconciliation several times about my abortion and would cry my eyes out in shame, guilt, and fear that I was going to hell. I had thoughts about my aborted baby hating me for what I had done to him. I could sense him wondering “Why me mom? Why am I the one you killed?”
As my relationship strengthened with God, I was led to speak to someone at my church about my hidden secret. She informed me that there was a retreat for abortive woman coming to Saskatchewan. I never knew these types of retreats existed. I went to a retreat called Rachel’s Vineyard, and received a huge healing from God. He showed me He forgave me, and why I had done this sin. Before this retreat I could not forgive myself, and God made it clear to me I needed to do that and accept the gift of his forgiveness. I named my aborted son Michael, and had a memorial service for him.
When I got home I knew both God and my aborted son Michael had forgiven me and wanted me to move on with my life, and let go of the guilt, shame, and unforgiveness I carried for years. I was a single mother for 7 years before I knew what real love was and what a marriage truly is and means. God has blessed me with another son and a loving husband, which is now the family I’ve always longed for.
God has placed a compassion and understanding on my heart for the women and children affected by abortion, and for those who are broken-hearted. Truly he has shown me his mercy and forgiveness.
To promote respect for all human life from the moment of conception onwards